E-C-Dub Fever

"My name is Finley, and I like to sing!"
-- Fat Finley, during WWE Karaoke Night.

Welcome, everyone to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and OH, SO WRONG edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm hip hop mogul Canadian Bulldog, and we've got a ton to get to this week, so let's hop right to it! But first, a quick poll:

What do you think of the resurrection of ECW?

(A)         Fine.
(B)         Bullshit - Paul Herman still owes me money!
(C)         Are they bringing back Eddie for this?
(D)         I'd rather see a resurrection of the AWF.
(E)         Yes.

Be sure to register your vote at the Official Inside The Ropes Website (Motto: "I ain't updating this till you buy my book. Yeah, that's right - I'm talking to YOU!"). Here's how you all voted last time:

What did you think of WrestelMania XX2?

(A)         It sucked, except for the main event. - 7 %
(B)         Not nearly enough "Eddie" references. - 12 %
(C)         The hell was Sexual Mark Chocolate's picture
                 doing beside The MacMahons? - 28 %
(D)         Best WrestelMania this year. So far. - 33 %
(E)         Yes. - 17 %

And now, onto the news…

E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!: Last year, figurehead WWE commissioner Vince MacMahon told us he'd bring back ECW for its "One Night Only" paper-view. But now, he's bringing it back… forever???

Insider sources have confirmed that World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. Corporation will pre-empt Velocity or Bite This or 5 Questions With The Champ or some other crap from its website, to bring us a weekly ECW Internet-only show. Expect this to be a huge hit, if you don't consider the fact that it's not on television, and only six people in America are equipped for Internet-only webcasts.

On the first episode, former ECW Chief Financial Officer Paul Herman will thank everyone for watching the show, and then rip on MacMahon for bastardizing his product! And then he'll arrange for NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) "stars" The Dudley Brotherz, Rhinocerous, Sonjay Duck and Petey Wilson to escape from their contracts so they can be part of the new revolution! And they'll all form a stable with Louie Dangerously, Steve Corina and Sand Man! And Tajerky will return to action and will be programmed into a hot new feud with Supercrazy! And "Mr. Monday In The Bank" Rod Van-Damme will be shown getting stoned! On drugs! Except it won't be part of a storyline; they just happened to have a camcorder around and filmed it! And none of them will get paid because the Old School Checks are sure to bounce! And at SummerScam, all of ECW guys will have to tap out to Chris Masterpiece's "Masterpiece Challenge"! And it will be the best resurrection ever!

EVER!!!

In short, I just have two words for ya:

E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!

See No Evil or Box Office Receipts: What the HELL is The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain's problem? Why is he so preoccupied with May 14^th? What does it mean? Is that the day he has tickets to see the smash new film The Da Vinci's Inquest? Or is he worried that his own new movie, as noted film critic Leonard Malton has said, will "suck cock"?

Either way, here's hoping he can get past whatever's bugging him and start feuding with The Guy Who's Doing All Those Weird Voiceovers (I'm guessing Coach Man). That would be just what the doctor ordered!!! Also Prozack.

What's with Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels and The Cerebral King of Assassin Kings Triple HHH BOTH doing modified versions of the Braves' Tomahawk Chop during their matches? Are they trying to tell us something? Possibly about whom they think will make it to the World Series this year?

Putting the T and A into T and A: Former Raw Diva Pageant Search Winner Kirstie Hemmey has signed on with the aforementioned NWA T&A. Look for her to buy the company with the $10,000,000 million she won in the aforementioned contest, and use it to turn the aforementioned company around, so that TNA will stop sucking aforementioned cock. Is this the fresh infusion of talent the company needs to turn things around? BANK ON IT!!!

Our Oldline Onslut Completely Obscure Wrestling-Related Reference Of The Week comes from reader phonyname@hotmail.net, who writes: "My grandfather had a seizure this week and had to be taken away in an ambulance, and it reminded me of how Mike Awesome and Bam Bam Bigelow once had an ambulance match in WCW."

Injury Updates: Former Olympic gold medalist Kur Tangle is expected to miss anywhere between six weeks and twenty-five years of action due to a severe torn neck injury suffered at the hands of Sexual Mark Chocolate. Deacon Bautista, Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY) and Tatatatatatatatatanka are set to return to Friday! Night! Smack! Down as soon as the program "stops sucking". Meanwhile, Tritch Stratus dislocated her right breast during a Backdraft match against Mickey Jane, and Lou Thez is still deceased.

Anyone else notice at the PPV that not once did God hold the tag rope? Geez, you'd think if anyone would be a stickler for rules, it would be Him…

Pyrofalkon = Wad?: Just when you all thought that my "worked shoot" feud with Pyrofalkon was over, my trusty apprentice Johnny ITR has obtained EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED Photographic Evidence of how lame and Wad-like he actually is!!! Pyro that is, not Johnny, although he's not the sharpest knife in the basket, either… STAY TUNED TO ITR FOR FUTURE UPDATES ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS!!!

Sing Along With The 'Dog: Here's a new song, just for my wonderful readers. It's sung to the tune of that famous song from the movie "American Pie"

Network Guy
(Lyrics by C. Bulldog/ D. McLean/ R. Parker Jr. 2006, all rights reserved)

On the tour a few weeks ago,
I can still remember
How all the ribbing made me smile.
And I knew if JBL joined in,
He'd try to commit some sort of sin.
Then maybe, he'd keep quiet for a while.

But then he found that Palmer Cannon
Took a rake and rammed it right in
To a place where it shouldn't have gone
That should have only been used for the lawn!

I can remember that he cried,
I'm sure it hurt more than his pride.
Something touched him deep inside.
That's when… the gimmick died.

So bye, bye, SmackDown's Network Guy,
Bradshaw ribbed him, then he left the tour and hopped a red-eye,
What - the Wrestling God was bothering you? Did he make you cry?
He said "We pulled the same shit on Superfly." and
"If the office asks what happened, just lie."

Then Palmer Cannon hopped on a plane,
London and Kendrick thought he was insane.
How else can you get a cushy job like this?
Losing all that guaranteed pay,
Now all that's left is TNA.
Or ROH, where you can't afford to take a piss.

Well, I know that Cannon was really ticked,
'Cause he kept quiet when Stephanie's baby kicked.
You don't do that unless you're a snob, or
Someone who wants to lose your job.

He got pissed 'cause JBL rubbed his shlong, but
He shouldn't have complained to Teddy Long
Yet he still did; said that was wrong, and
That's when… the gimmick died.

They all were screaming:

Bye, bye, SmackDown's Network Guy,
Bradshaw ribbed him, then he left the tour and hopped a red-eye,
What - the Wrestling God was bothering you? Did he make you cry?
He said "We pulled the same shit on Superfly." and
"If the office asks what happened, just lie."

(Repeat until fade)

Spirited Discussion: Who have been causing more waves on the WWE tag-team scene lately than The Spirit Squadron? Well, possibly the team of Goal Dust and SHNITSKY!!! And we can't forget M&M. They're pretty good.

Anyhoo, recently I sat down and talked over the telephone to the boys -- Jimmy, Johnny, Jerry and The Others. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

CB: Is this The Spirit Squadron?

SS: No, this is actually The Spirit of St. Louis. What's up?

CB: Yes, definitely. Question number one: How many of you are gay?

SS: Um, there's only one of me. And I'm straight, in a 1920's fighter-pilot-kind-of-way.

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number two: How come all five or six of you are allowed to defend the titles at once? Didn't The Supreme Court overrule that during the precedent-setting case of The People v. Axl, Smush and Crunch?

SS: Again, only one of me. And I'm also a fighter pilot. From, like, a century ago.

CB: Excellent! Question number…

SS: Perhaps you're not understanding me. I'm an airplane.

CB: Right.

SS: Not a pre-teen tag team stable.

CB: Okay.

SS: Do you understand the difference?

CB: Yes.

(Awkward pause)

SS: You don't really understand, do you?

CB: Sure.

SS: Look, I'm an airplane. I was used by Charles Lindbergh. I'm on display at The Smithsonian.

CB: Good to hear. Question number…

SS: YOU CAN'T INTERVIEW ME!

CB: Wait… what's a 1920's-era fighter plane doing answering the phone in the first place?

SS: I DON'T KNOW! IT'S YOUR STUPID IMAGINARY CONVERSATION, NOT MINE!!!

CB: Touché. Okay, but what are so cranky about? Are you about to job the belts to, like, Visceria and Mean Eugene?

SS: I'M CRANKY BECAUSE I'VE BEEN HANGING BY FUCKING STRINGS IN A FUCKING MUSEUM FOR FUCKING DECADES! YOU TRY IT SOMETIME AND LET ME KNOW IF IT ISN'T A REAL PAIN IN THE ASS!

CB: That's it! This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up phone).

SS: That's the spirit.

If there's someone that you're DYING for me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. Finally, let's get to… oh, wait one second:

That's better. Finally, let's get to five BRAND NEW ITR Trading Cards for you to collect, trade and make some serious money off of. Just as a sidenote, next week's ITR (or whenever I decided to run this stupid column again) will include the landmark ONE HUNDREDTH ITR Trading Card. WATCH FOR IT!!!

That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, comments, or information on E-C-Dub! to share, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.